Tuesday, April 21, 2015

lost heart beats

As internal medicine physicians we have many drugs at our disposal-- medicines to treat, diagnose and prevent countless diseases. But amid all the emotional suffering and physical pain, the spirit of a man can only endure so much and when it is broken only a miracle can mend it. If only there was a drug that could heal a broken spirit...perhaps the most effective medicine we have is what some call "Love unconditional."

I lost a young patient this week.
There are things in life that once they've been lost, you can't recover--each lost heartbeat after minutes of CPR... time from days which keep coming without fail...the trust after its lost.

Still, I wonder what is redemption and its relationship to Love-- the kind which JC talks about in the gospels-- where does it come from and how does it work?

Sunday, April 5, 2015

Memories flash incessantly throughout most of my long runs 
Like in the marathon
 each time at the intersection of Santa Monica and N Crescent Drive
my chest feels tight and my eyes began tear
-Learning so much over the past 5 months-

Sunday, March 29, 2015

early morning ascent

During a 4:30am night run to Mount Lowe, on my steady ascent to the summit, I began to think about the strange presence in my apartment--it must be a ghost. Indeed, it is a ghost from Taiwan. A beautiful ghost with more soul and love than the hollow substance that beats within my chest. As I watch the sunrise from 5600ft above sea level and I ponder whether to jump into new waters, I realize how much this ghost means to me...  I'm attached to it, for better or worse. A reckless man who searches for redemption realizes that to live with ghosts requires solitude.

Saturday, March 21, 2015


Old used book stores and thrift/antique stores are amazing places...the randomness and intrigue that comes with finding a literary gem makes it a worthwhile experience. These days on my spare time I'll dedicate a few hours looking for these "gems." For example, to the left is the fascinating back cover of a random book--  I still couldn't tell you what this book is about lol... or whether its truly a gem or not, but inside it was a remarkable quote that stayed with me:

Thursday, March 19, 2015

Los Angeles Marathon (26.2 miles)

Look I'll be honest, at mile 23 I'm not thinking very clear. The blisters on my feet sting, my right knee is locking up, and my stomach is aching. At the intersection of Santa Monica and N Crescent Drive my chest felt tight and my eyes began tear. From mile 24 onwards I'm reliving a boat ride across the Coronado Bay in the presence of an Angel--the beauty of the ocean and the sound of her voice. Around mile 25 I began to wonder why the hell Michael Buble was singing on my ipod Nano, then i remembered why...can man destroy that which destroys him? I'm working on it relentlessly.

Friday, March 13, 2015

I've been running so much that the skin on the soles of my feet has torn apart. Blisters have formed. I've embraced the pain for no real reason, but for reasons known only to my remorseful heart-- every time i run (though i do it without purpose or direction) these damaged feet take me toward Santa Monica.  As if someone was there...waiting, praying. 

It's wishful thinking...and so it happens that running these past 5 months has taught me several things-- mainly that the mix of tears and sweat tastes exactly the same. There is so much more I need to learn from my mistakes.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

In Loving Memory

It's been five years since you passed away.
Your absence still stings.
You filled a space that no one will ever replace.
What I would give, if I could say, "Hello Dad" in the same old way.
The greatest gift I've ever received came from you...
You believed in me.

"What was silent in the father speaks in the son, and often I have found in the son the unveiled secret of the father."

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Hiking Echo Mountain

So i started logging some miles this week, I've been averaging 6 miles/day running on a boring treadmill like a manic hamster. To mix it up a little I decided to hike a local mountain- Echo Mountain.

The trail head located on Lake Ave.
First is finding the Trailhead: From the I-210 Foothill Freeway in Pasadena, you exit at Lake Avenue. Drive north for 3.4 miles to the end of Lake Avenue. Park along the street. The hike begins to the left of the stone gateway on the east side of the street. There is an old post pointing the direction to the old peak. 

The total distance is roughly 5 miles roundtrip with an elevation of 1400 ft. I would say the difficulty of this hike was "mild to moderate"-- the trail is well maintained without much wildlife (i.e. not many snakes or cougars crawling around). I say this because a few months back I hiked Mt. Wilson in the Los Angeles National Forest from the trailhead in Sierra Madre and came across two rattle snakes and one brown bear on the way up the peak-- i contemplated terminating my hike that time but meh...finished it anyways with many catecholamines circulating in my blood.

Echo Mountain Megaphone

The total hike time for Echo Mountain is roughly 3 hours at a moderate pace. Once you reach the top you will encounter the amazing echo megaphone. Scattered along the top are various posts detailing the rich history of the mountain, specifically the ruins of an old resort. This particular day had overcast weather but on a clear day, you can see the Pacific Ocean, downtown LA, Santa Monica, and even Catalina -- all gorgeous views.

I must say that i was impressed by the large number of senior citizens that were hiking this particular mountain, particularly Korean folks, lol. They were hiking like pros while I was sweating bullets. At any rate the best part of the hike was reaching the top and eating my sandwich.   

"No one ever drowned in sweat" - Lou Holtz

Monday, January 28, 2013

"That day, for no particular reason, I decided to go for a little run..."

I woke up this morning with a powerful urge to run, so i ran. 

I donned my pajamas (sweatpants and an old Jesus T-shirt I had won in a raffle a long time ago...) and ran alongside the Los Angeles river ... no thinking, no worries, no distractions, no depressing thoughts... just running. Somewhere around mile #4 it dawned on me--- this is something I've been missing greatly.
This blog is bound to change from a log of my experiences through medical school and residency into a log of running in Los Angeles. There are beaches, mountains, rivers, and plenty of trails in this great city. 

Lets explore.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Long days in the ICU

There is a methodical approach to pronouncing someone as "Dead." -- this in itself is not very difficult. The existential or metaphysical meaning of being "dead" is perhaps more complex; still each of us can accept it's meaning depending on our religions or existential stance. However, by far the most difficult part of all is standing in front of a grieving family and explaining how despite all efforts, you have failed. They're dead. The family expecting you to save the dying patient's life-- like if you're somekind of god or something. After breaking bones and inserting tubes in every hole you can imagine... You walk out from these rooms feeling utterly defeated.

Just when you're about to sit and ponder in hindsight how differently you could've managed the patient, you are interrupted by the loud intercom calling out "Code Blue" for someone who is about to pass into that bright light. I reckon it's better to remain occupied and physically exhausted than sitting down feeling sorry for yourself. I'm reminded of that box from two years ago...

I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself.
A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough
without ever having felt sorry for itself
                          -DH Lawrence